Why do you want me to be HAPPY?
We throw the ‘are you happy’ question around constantly. Being happy is now a social status symbol. But where did this desire come from? Is happiness the very thing we should be striving for? We need to better appreciate the complexities and nuances of happiness and the fact that we have no idea what it means and that we will definitely struggle to explain and articulate it to others.
Why Does it Matter
‘Are you happy?’ – we bounce this question around almost daily. But why is this the question we choose to ask. Why is happiness the thing we should want. Why does it matter to you whether I am happy?
Becoming and being happy seems to be a way of life. What we are after, and what we are chasing. Happiness is now the pinnacle, the moment when you have made it. I often feel everyone is in a process of climbing a mountain, to find the happiness that supposedly exists at the summit. But it is often out of reach from our grasp.
There is undoubtedly a resounding pressure to be happy exerted from all around us. Instagram quotes say stuff like ‘I choose to be happy’ and ‘I think it’s time to be happy again’. Family and friends and many others are all after the answer to the happiness question. A new job – are you happy. A new car – are you happy. And so on.
If we are honest, we don’t need happiness, we can live without it. It doesn’t really impact our daily lives. We go about our day, waking up, working, taking the trash out and do not really consider whether or not we are happy. Are we meant to be?
However, despite all of this, people seem to be obsessed with whether I am happy or not. They seem to care more than I do. It seems to be something that I should be solely focusing on, putting all my energy towards. But this seems counterinitiative as we are essentially trying to gain ‘social status’ through obtaining happiness. Is this a measure of our worth, a determination of how important or successful we are. Is this any different to having the latest gadgets and fashion to show ‘we are cool’. Has happiness turned into an important social status signalling tool, the thing we want to impress people with.
Why is it a Bad Question
Potentially then, we should question the question instead of responding to it.
There have been countless books on the topic of happiness, many of which I have read, and yet, I don’t feel closer to an answer on what happiness is. I just can’t seem to grasp what this elusive adjective means. I reckon I must have heard around a hundred different ideas of happiness and I am no closer to identifying what it means to me, how I should think about it, and how it impacts my life. It’s abstract and elusive and cannot be reasonably defined to a universal idea or concept. We can’t really describe or understand it.
The are you happy question is a big one. It takes exploration to understand it and what it means to us, we then must articulate an answer which in turn the other person has to be able to understand and appreciate – it’s challenging. Further to this, it is a pretty significant question that we throw around as if it were a hook in a song. It requires a substantial answer that takes time and acceptance and openness. On most occasions when it is asked, people are not prepared for a thoughtful, deep answer – they just want the headlines.
The binary nature of it results in an answer that is incomplete. The answer leans towards it being a yes or a no. This is clearly not the case. It is complex; there is a gradient. Yet we are forced to answer in a simplistic, unrealistic way. This results in unnecessary pain as we struggle to respond and start asking all sorts of questions about our own life, contemplating why we cannot seem to answer what appears such an easy question with what should be an obvious answer.
It depends on all sorts of factors, the time of day, the moment it is asked. And our happiness levels fluctuate throughout the day, let alone our life. It is not a stable constant as it is inferred to be.
How did happiness become such a prominent word. Where did it originate from and how have we come to think about it.
How Happiness Arrived in Society
On 4th July 1776, the Deceleration of Independence was signed at Independence Hall in Pennsylvania. It read 'we hold these truths to self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.'
Happiness wasn’t really a thing before 1776. People were no trying to be happy. Therefore, the idea of being happy and pursuing happiness is a pretty recent development and phenomenon.
Before the 17th century, it was rarely questioned that vast differences of wealth and status existed across society. But then surely, the introduction of allowing happiness was a good thing? Well, to start with happiness and social equality was formally united for the first time and people enjoyed the fruits of the democratic revolution.
The promise of equality teases us and frustrates us allowing envy to brew. Previously, underclasses were content but now the new poor feel betrayed. Betrayed by the very system that allowed happiness. When combined with many desires and with the common self-help narrative of positive thinking, it has led to an unhappy modern society. We feel entitled to strive towards having and being more than we are and to have happiness.
It is probably something we have never really considered. We take for granted that happiness is a birth right, a sign of a successful life. The word happy and the idea of happiness are talked about and discussed as if it were the most natural thing in the world to understand. Yet, we can't put a finger on what it really means. It turns out, happiness is a social and historical construct, despite it feeling like it comes undeniably from within.
Final Thoughts
I think understanding why we have such a great desire to be happy is important to consider, as we can see it potentially isn’t something we should care as much about as we seem to. It certainly should not matter to others how happy we are.
I guess the people that ask me this question don’t want me to be sad, and by process of elimination wants me to be happy. However, the are you happy question removes all abstractness, individuality and intangibleness of the question and presumes a significantly too simplistic answer. It also places undue importance on being happy.
“Are you feeling fulfilled at the moment?” is a better, more open-ended question. Fulfilment seems to me to be a better measure – appreciating that not every moment is ‘enjoyable’ but it is worthwhile and meaningful in one way, even if it doesn’t appear as such in the moment.
We need to appreciate the nuances of happiness and the fact that we have no idea what it means and that we will definitely struggle to explain and articulate it.
Alongside my own thoughts, insights and experience, inspiration for this article was partly from the recent Diary of a CEO episode with Steve Bartlett and Dan Murray.
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